Stopping the Cycle

History repeats itself.

It's said so much, but I dont think people really take it personally. We seem to here it and think of the history of our country or of the world. I personally, have an instant falsh of the holocaust. Until recently, I thought of "History repeats itself.", in this way. In the past few years, I've found my own history begining to repeat. This realization was disturbing to say the least. I initial put it to the back of my mind, choosing denial over examination. But, that didn't last for long. Finding yourself already having returned to the dynamics and feelings of the past, is bazaar. Of course, as in my case, it seems much easier to notice, if the repeated history is unpleasant. Humans seem to much more easily focus on the negative, so I guess that makes sense.

I've been making a conscious effort to chang things in my life for the positive. But, I seem to be lacking something in my efforts. I decided to try examing my own past more thoroughly, to better understand where I am now, and where I am going. DUH! Why didn't I think of that before.

Today was my first outer cranial work. I drove to through the town I grew up in. The goal I had in mind was to find and photograph places that I had lived. I took one of my dogs and headed out this afternoon. The weather was beautiful thi Easter Sunday, and made for a really put me in an awesome mood. That's always a good thing, but, especially when diving into ones past. I lived in 5 houses as a kid, 4 of which were in this town. I found all but two. The first one I missed was actually my first house. I was to young to really remember living there, but it was part of the past, so I looked. I new about where it was. My mother had shown it to me on many occasions as a child. I did find the street, but, so many houses had been squeezed in where I'd never thought another house could fit, I was confused. It had been a dark street, shaded by many oaks and pines. There were still trees, but nothing like before. All the houses on the east side of the road, and most on the west, were easily warmed by the sun. I wish I had been more successful, but I tried, and will again later, perhaps. The second one, I could have easily found, but didn't. This was the house I spent most of my childhood in. The source of many of my worst memories, and the setting of to large a percentage of my nightmares. I couldn't bring myself to go there today. I'm sure it seems weak, and or cowardly, but I really didn't want to end my excursion on a bad note. I will go back, maybe with another human being next time. I also returned to the house I had with my husband (a more recent memory). The house looked amazing. It had been so run down when we bought it, and now it was beautiful. All of the yard cared for and full of children's toys and flowers. The house was expertly rehabilitated. It was the first time I'd seen the house since it was sold and not been saddened. It was a great feeling. I'm not sure what my next excursion on my quest to better understanding my past will be. I hope to figure it out soon though.

I think many of us have cyclic behaviors, be them positive or negative. Self examination can be difficult but, never without worth.

till next time....

Sarah