The elusive mate

Why is it so freaking hard to meet someone?

Let me give you a peak into the past, and then I'll talk about where I am now. I was raised by my stepfather, he is my dad, and I love him. But, he was never ment to have children. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells. Thinking three steps ahead, so I could avoid well, acting like a kid. Without going into to much detail, psychologically abusive. I think thats the best way to say he screwed with my head to the point of brainwashing. Despite all of this I was then, and am still, a very opinionated person. There are some human rights I am not willing to give up. I learned to do what I had to to leave in a sort of peace, but I never let it change me on the inside.

One evening, I think I was in the fifth grade, a discussion began amongst my parents

and I about friendships. It was not a planned thing, just a responce to something on the TV set.

My guard was a little down because my mom was home. (one of the last times I let that make me comfortable to speak honestly to him) He said something about not ALLOWING me to be friends with someone if he didn't like them. Without thinking, I blurted out my response. I told him no one can pick friends for another person, and no one can just turn off another persons friendship. He started shouting at me, how I was the child and he'd decide who I'd see and who I wouldn't. Being a ten or eleven year old girl, I found myself needing to suck back tears. He had to keep on it, saying, I would never be aloud to date anyone he didn't have the oppurtunity to investigate and iterogate. My tear ritten reply was this: I will date or be friends with who I want to. His responce was to remind me that I was not an adult and I had no say in the matter. I told him I would just wait until I was an adult, rather then let him tell me who I could and could not see.

The whole exchange probably took less then five minutes, but It stuck with me. As if it was my only way to exact control over my life, at that time, was to adhere to my ill planned declaration, I adhered. The years between then and when I turned eightteen, are impossible to summarize, so let me just say, I lived to the age of eightteen. My dad still screwed with my mind. As soon as I had the oppurtunity, I moved far away. I moved from New Jersey to Oklahoma. I had an aunt, uncle, cousins there. My Aunt turned out to be worse then my dad, but it was still worth moving out there. I findly felt free. Anything seemed possible there, and for me, it was. I met my first, well, my first everything. First kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first time, first love.

I had a ton of other firsts there too, but lets stick with the opposit sex for now.

We were seeing each other for almost eight months when my aunt through me out of the house. Everyone I new thought I was crazy for not going back to New Jersey, but, I couldn't. Besides having a real, productive, happy life, I was in Love. I moved in with, lets call him Bubba, (dont ask) and his roomate. Eventually the roomate moved out and it was just us, playing house. He had his family problems and I had mine, but we were really happy together. I was happier then I had ever been. But, I got greedy. Bubba wanted to move away from Oklahoma, I missed my mom and the farm. He was a netword admin. and the IT biz was booming at the beginning of 2001, when this was all on the table.

He was hesitant to move despite the great career oppurtunities. Now here's when I made a big mistake. I had been wanting for awhile to get married, I loved him, he loved me, we already lived together, why not? His mom didn't like me, and they had a really weird relationship. I knew this was the main stop on us getting married. So I made him a deal. If he got on the stick, and we could get ourselves moved, I told him I'd never again discuss marriage. He cried, but said we could start things in motion to move. The first year we were back in NJ was a nightmare. And, when I thought everything was smoothing out, we had bought a house, had jobs that paid the bills, he went back to Oklahoma to help mommy dearest, and decided, while there, that I'd be better off without him. If I had ANY suicidal tendencies, after months pleading with him, I would surely have killed myself. Five years and he just cut me out. It's been nearly five years since we broke up. It took me more then a year to even think of another man. It took nearly four years to fully feel like I had really moved on (in my heart). I had to sell the house and moved in with my parents again. I'm still with them. I couldn't stand to be alone at first. When I was ready to move, my parents both became ill to the point that they needed me to take care of things.

I had, well I have, really no clue how to go about finding someone. Bubba, haha, sort of fell into my lap. Running the farm for my parents, I don't meet people everyday. I'm not ugly, but I'm not the kind of girl guys just come up to in the store and start talking to. I'm not sure why that is so, but it is apparently. I tried meeting people online. Despite my better judgement, i actually had a few flings. Two guys liked me, but I had no interest in them, really. Not worth discussing them at all, accept to make note of my mistakes. So, what now?

I don't drink, so bars are kind of out.(not that I'm thinking that's the best way to meet someone anyway, but its something) My sister thinks no one is good enough for me. My friends try to set me up with some real weirdo's. One friend actually put an ad on http://www.craigslist.com/. Without telling me, mind you. It was a nightmare. I've honestly run out of idea's. I'm at the point in my life, where I know I don't NEED to be with someone, but God, I'm human, and I'm freaking lonely. I loved sharing my life with someone. I was a great housewife, even when working. I'm far from frigid. I like to think I'm pretty smart and funny. And there is no one on earth more honest, loyal or caring. (hey, its OK to pat yourself on the back once in awhile, right?)

I'm starting to get a little discouraged. Anyone have any suggestions?

Stopping the Cycle

History repeats itself.

It's said so much, but I dont think people really take it personally. We seem to here it and think of the history of our country or of the world. I personally, have an instant falsh of the holocaust. Until recently, I thought of "History repeats itself.", in this way. In the past few years, I've found my own history begining to repeat. This realization was disturbing to say the least. I initial put it to the back of my mind, choosing denial over examination. But, that didn't last for long. Finding yourself already having returned to the dynamics and feelings of the past, is bazaar. Of course, as in my case, it seems much easier to notice, if the repeated history is unpleasant. Humans seem to much more easily focus on the negative, so I guess that makes sense.

I've been making a conscious effort to chang things in my life for the positive. But, I seem to be lacking something in my efforts. I decided to try examing my own past more thoroughly, to better understand where I am now, and where I am going. DUH! Why didn't I think of that before.

Today was my first outer cranial work. I drove to through the town I grew up in. The goal I had in mind was to find and photograph places that I had lived. I took one of my dogs and headed out this afternoon. The weather was beautiful thi Easter Sunday, and made for a really put me in an awesome mood. That's always a good thing, but, especially when diving into ones past. I lived in 5 houses as a kid, 4 of which were in this town. I found all but two. The first one I missed was actually my first house. I was to young to really remember living there, but it was part of the past, so I looked. I new about where it was. My mother had shown it to me on many occasions as a child. I did find the street, but, so many houses had been squeezed in where I'd never thought another house could fit, I was confused. It had been a dark street, shaded by many oaks and pines. There were still trees, but nothing like before. All the houses on the east side of the road, and most on the west, were easily warmed by the sun. I wish I had been more successful, but I tried, and will again later, perhaps. The second one, I could have easily found, but didn't. This was the house I spent most of my childhood in. The source of many of my worst memories, and the setting of to large a percentage of my nightmares. I couldn't bring myself to go there today. I'm sure it seems weak, and or cowardly, but I really didn't want to end my excursion on a bad note. I will go back, maybe with another human being next time. I also returned to the house I had with my husband (a more recent memory). The house looked amazing. It had been so run down when we bought it, and now it was beautiful. All of the yard cared for and full of children's toys and flowers. The house was expertly rehabilitated. It was the first time I'd seen the house since it was sold and not been saddened. It was a great feeling. I'm not sure what my next excursion on my quest to better understanding my past will be. I hope to figure it out soon though.

I think many of us have cyclic behaviors, be them positive or negative. Self examination can be difficult but, never without worth.

till next time....

Sarah

Baby baby baby

March 6th, 2008 my sister had her baby. Ethan. 8 p0unds 5 oz. He's healthy and happy. I am so happy he's finally here.

Blessings of March 5th

The sun has been out for two days in a row! My mother had a good day today. Yesterday I had to buy some medicine for my dog that I I can't really afford. When I got to the Vets office, they had free samples! No one of my friends or family, including myself was sick or hurt (physically) today. I have food, shelter, clothing, and an amazing amount of conveniences available to me. I am able to show my words to the world in this venue. I have lost 20 pounds since christmas. I have access to health care. 2 people cared about me today. My heart has been broken, but i'm still alive, and kicking, and will feel a little better tomorrow, i just know it!

Ok. I got all my venting out on my other page. But Rich was kind enough to remind me to remember the positives, and here they are. It is easy to forget all the amazing blessings we take for granted. I hope everyone has had a day full of blessings too.

till we meet again
sarah